Frak versus frell!
by JCB
Summary: Final Chapter up! Crossover with Farscape. What happens when the Galactica meets Moya?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters; I'm only borrowing them for a while.**

**I got bored of thinking about spring cleaning so back to the writing! Now I'm a pretty big fan of Farscape as well as BSG (see my newly filled in profile page for more info – yes, I've put something in at last) and it occurred to me that poor old John Crichton would be terribly confused if he came across the new version of Galactica as he wouldn't know of its existence. This is just some pure silliness that followed from this thought.**

**Kind of AU (ya think!), but takes place sometime after Home Pt 2 and The Peacekeeper Wars so you have been warned if you haven't seen either.**

**Frak versus Frell!**

The sound of Kara yawning extravagantly echoed around Apollo's cockpit as they flew a late shift CAP.

"We keeping you awake Starbuck?"

"Barely! Flying round the fleet for what feels like the millionth time is hardly enough to keep me awake. I should just grab some shut eye: I can probably do CAP in my sleep."

"Well let's try and liven things up shall we and do a quick dive round the outer perimeter."

"Lords Apollo! That's your idea of livening things up? Gee, the long winter evenings must just fly by!" He tried not to rise to the bait of her teasing.

"How bout a bet? Last one back to this spot has to do the other's maintenance for a week. Perimeter only, no cutting between the ships."

"You're on!" Starbuck engaged her thrusters and sped away before Lee could react.

"Hey that's cheating, Starbuck."

"I get a head start 'cos I've only have a clapped out mark II and you have a mark VII. Still gonna beat ya tho' so eat my vapours slowcoach."

They sped out around the fleet, Kara always just keeping ahead. She flicked her viper around the last ship, but Lee was coming up fast on her inside and she had to adjust slightly to avoid colliding with him. For a split second she headed out into the black space beyond the edge of fleet.

"Holy frak!" The black space had suddenly been replaced by a swirl of blue.

"Pull up, Kara, pull up!"

"OK Apollo. Don't get your panties in a bunch. What the frak is that thing?" A strange looking vessel shot out of the blue swirl. "And what the double frak is that thing?"

"Beats me on both counts. I've never seen anything like it. So much for a boring CAP; let's go and take a closer look."

"You been smoking something you shouldn't have Apollo? What happened to Captain 'let's do it by the book and wait for orders'?"

"I think he left about the time I put that weapon to Tigh's head. Are you coming or not?"

"Right behind you, Apollo."

-

**On board Moya**

"Whoa! Gotta love that rush! You and Moya OK Pilot?"

"We are both fine, thank you commander."

"Umm, Pilot, are you seein' what I'm seein'?"

"If by that you mean the flotilla of ships in front of us then, yes Moya's sensors have detected them, but they do not appear to be recognisable as any ships from her memory banks." John Crichton pressed his comms.

"Aeryn, honey, you need to get up here now. Seems we might have visitors. Pilot, can you get these guys on the horn? I don't know, there seems something familiar about these ships…."

"They are hailing us already commander, and the two fighter craft coming towards us also have weapons lock on us." Pilot transferred the communications to command and a clipped voice echoed around the room.

"Alien vessel identify yourself."

"Ahh this is Commander John Crichton on the leviathan Moya. We mean you no harm. Our ship is unarmed. You gonna return the favour and fill me in?"

"I am Captain Lee Adama of the colonial fleet. My call sign is Apollo."

"Adama? Apollo? Well I'll be….your ship's not the Battlestar Galactica by any chance?"

"How the frak did you know that?" Lee was surprised into responding.

"Well it's kind of a long story, but let's just start with the fact that I'm human and I'm from earth. That interest you enough to wanna talk some more before you blow us out of the sky?" The two vipers did a swoop past Moya's view window. "Hey Vipers; cool. Is that Starbuck with you?"

There was silence for a moment. John muttered to himself.

"This is too, too weird. Must be some sort of time-reality displacement thing or may be I'm just dreaming." Apollo's voice broke into his ramblings.

"Commander Crichton, I am ordered to escort you to Galactica for further talks. I should also tell you that I am ordered to shoot you down if you do anything suspicious."

"Got ya. I thought daddy would give his OK. Me and the missus will be right out in one of our transport pods." He was really looking forward to this!

-

The crew of Galactica gathered curiously as Moya's transport pod landed. They had never seen a ship like it. A squad of heavily armed marines stood at the ready, not sure what they were going to be facing. As soon as the door of the pod opened a man appeared, a wide grin splitting his face. He was followed by an exotic looking, dark haired woman carrying a large weapon. They were both dressed from head to toe in black leather.

Lee, who had just jumped down from his viper in a rush to see this person who seemed to know plenty about them and claimed he was from the mythical earth, came to greet them. In the safety of the marine's guard, and influenced by the man's disarming smile, he shook John's proffered hand.

"Captain Lee Adama," he said by way of introduction.

"Well you're not quite what I imagined. Where's the brown velvet and the shiny boots?"

"Er, nothing like that here, sir; only standard issue colonial uniforms. May I introduce Lieutenant Kara Thrace, call sign Starbuck?" John turned towards the person approaching and his jaw dropped.

"Starbuck's a woman? I can't believe Starbuck's a woman!"

Kara thought that this guy was being really weird, but looked like he could be fun. She looked down at herself and screamed theatrically.

"Oh my Gods when did that happen? Frak it Lee! I'm a woman!" The man called John grinned back at her. She gave him a thorough once over and liked what she saw. She smiled back at him provocatively. The dark haired woman stepped into her line of vision, a flash of steel from her grey eyes clearly warning Kara off.

"Hey, just 'cos I like to window shop doesn't mean I wanna buy the goods," Kara said casually, taking a step closer to Lee.

"Umm, yeah this is my wife, Aeryn." Aeryn gave a wary nod, hands cradling her blaster. "She's the sensible one; won't go anywhere without her weapon: even sleeps with it which certainly makes my life interesting. Used to be in the military herself."

"The colonial fleet?" Lee questioned with a sceptical raise of an eyebrow: Aeryn didn't look like any type soldier he'd ever met.

"No, completely different type of military. You would not want to play war games with these guys."

"Your caution is understandable Mrs Crichton, but I really am going to have to take that weapon while you're on board Galactica. I can assure you that you'll be quite safe if you're unarmed." Lee accompanied these words with one of his sweet, genuine smiles that lit up his eyes. Aeryn relaxed under its influence and smiled at him in return, the action softening her face amazingly. It was now Kara's turn to scowl at the other woman as she felt an unexpected stab of what she knew was jealousy at someone other than her receiving one of those rarely given smiles.

"I understand, Captain, but if you don't mind I'll return it to our transport and then neither of us has to worry about it. And please call me Aeryn or Officer Sun: even John hesitates to call me Mrs Crichton." Her voice was deep and attractively accented, as if the language wasn't natural to her.

While Aeryn stowed Winona and her own weapon, John looked at the ship around him.

"Not sure this is how I remember it. I recognise that viper, but not those ships," he said, pointing at a raptor and Apollo's mark VII.

"You've been on the Galactica before?" Lee asked warily.

"Not exactly. It was a kinda cheesy sci-fi TV show back on earth, maybe twenty five years ago. It was all about these people from some distant planets trying to find their brethren on earth after their own worlds were destroyed."

"We're on the TV? People on earth know about us?" Starbuck asked incredulously.

"Yeah, except in our version Starbuck was a blond guy who used to sleep with lots of beautiful women, smoke cigars and cheat at cards." John grinned at her.

"Well that's still about right. Only the sex of the sleeping partners is wrong!" She grinned back. He pointed at Lee.

"And Apollo was this goody two shoes guy, the commander's son, who was just like the perfect hero, son, warrior, whatever. And you all wore velvet costumes. You kind of became gay icons." Kara spluttered out the water she was drinking.

"Apollo a gay icon? Oh I am so going to have fun with that!" Lee glared daggers at her.

"I don't pretend to understand any of this for a moment. Can you explain it at all?" he asked Crichton, trying to get the conversation back on to a more serious note.

"Well I've been on Moya for a while after I got caught up in a wormhole doing some flight tests in the space around earth."

"Wormhole? Was that the big, blue swirly thing?" Kara was interested again.

"Yeah. I used to be able to control them, but I kinda lost the skill; been avoiding them pretty much since that happened. I can still sense them, but I don't know where in time or space they go any more. We only came down this one to escape from the Scarrens.

"Scarrens?"

"Meanest darn critters in the whole damn universe; basically your worst nightmare as an enemy."

"Yeah, we kinda know how that feels."

"Oh no they're a whole barrel load meaner than those big chrome robot Cylons. You guys have it lucky."

"Unfortunately things have changed recently. The Cylons have evolved and now look human and the latest versions of the chrome toasters are pretty deadly."

"Frell me!"

"Frell?"

"Oh you'd probably say frak. Frak me, frell me; all pretty much means you're fucked, but you can't say that on national television. Cylons look human? That must be a real bummer. How can you tell who's a Cylon?" He thought for a moment "Hey, you don't think I'm a Cylon do you?"

"The thought had occurred to me, but you're a sadly misinformed one if you are: I'm pretty sure that every Cylon knows that Starbuck's a woman! And quite frankly you're just a bit too weird."

"Yeah, well you don't have to be mad to work here but if you are it helps. And Aeryn isn't a Cylon. Course she's not a human either: she's a sebaccean." Lee and Kara looked at Aeryn in wonder: she seemed pretty human to them.

"OK, I think we need to take this elsewhere, rather than discuss it in the middle of the hanger deck."

"Is it time to meet daddy?"

"Yeah, I think it is, but I wouldn't mention the velvet uniform to him if I were you!"

"Oh his was great: all blue and sparkly silver bits."

Lee couldn't help it; he started to giggle at the image this conjured up. He turned to Kara and could tell from her face that she had the same mental picture as he did. The pair of them just started laughing and couldn't stop.

"Oh stop it Lee, I'm gonna pee myself in a minute!"

"Oh Gods, I'm not going to be able to keep a straight face when I see him," replied Lee, wiping his streaming eyes, as he leaned on her for support. John and Aeryn exchanged glances and just looked at them quizzically while they tried to recover enough to face the commander.

**Author's note**: So what did you think? Is this fun enough to carry on or just plain crazy?


	2. Chapter 2

**Mega apologies for the very long delay in updating this story, especially after all the lovely, enthusiastic reviews. I have lots of excuses, but mainly it's because I've been moving continents (back to the UK from the US) and I forgot to put this story on my memory stick before the computer got packed away into the sea freight container which has only just arrived back in the UK (I think that comes into the category of "senior moment"!). Anyway, enough of this drivel, onwards with the story. Probably not quite so much humour in this chapter as I'm very depressed about missing the second half of season 2. For that reason I'm also ignoring the whole Pegasus thing.**

**Chapter 2**

Lee and Kara managed to recover themselves sufficiently by the time they made it to the commander's quarters. On seeing his father a grin broke out on Lee's face, but he managed to introduce John and Aeryn and explain their story with only the slightest of tremors in his voice, although he had to avoid looking at Starbuck who had started snickering again.

The commander ignored their somewhat odd behaviour; he was, after all, quite used to it, and concentrated on the visitors. Aeryn immediately recognised the military leader in Adama's commanding presence. It reminded her of some of the captains she had served under; not madmen like Crais had been when he was a Peacekeeper captain, but men born to command. She straightened her shoulders and raised her chin as if coming to attention.

"At ease Officer Sun." The commander too had sensed Aeryn's response to him. He stared silently at the pair in front of him for some time, obviously carefully assessing his approach towards them. John, never at ease with authority, started to fidget.

"I see what you mean; blue velvet really isn't his colour. Is he just gonna look at me like that all day?" John whispered in an aside to Lee.

"Yeah, probably. Unnerving isn't it? Imagine growing up with that: I could never hide anything from him. He'd just stare silently at me until I gave in and fessed up to whatever I'd done."

A slight smile twitched at the corners of the commander's mouth.

"It never did take much to get an honest answer out of you, Captain. But what about you Commander Crichton? This is an unbelievably fantastic story you've given us."

"Yeah, I know. I can't even pretend to explain how we got here except that we travelled down a wormhole and I know from experience that they cross time and space. Sometimes you end up in the right reality, sometimes you don't. We obviously took a wrong turn somewhere down this one. But believe me when I say that I am originally from Earth and I'm certainly not a Cylon."

"It's true, sir. He is from earth. I've been there." Aeryn chimed in with corroboration, hoping that the word of a soldier would carry weight with the commander.

"And what can you tell us about Earth?" Adama asked.

"It's a backward planet with retrograde technology," was Aeryn's immediate, dismissive response. "They've never travelled beyond their own solar system and are generally suspicious of anyone they term aliens, but some of the humans were quite…" she glanced slyly at John. "…welcoming."

"My wife obviously has a certain point of view, and I admit that it's a valid one to some extent. I happen to love my retrograde little planet and I'm sure you guys will too. Unfortunately we had to seal up that wormhole to earth so I can't give you a short cut, but I've got star charts and lots of other stuff back on Moya that I'd be willing to share with you and which should hopefully confirm our story. Your people are welcome to come to Moya to check it out."

"That's very generous of you commander. Is there anything that you need from us in return?"

"Well, yeah. If you have a doctor on board we'd be grateful if he could check out our son. He's had some sort of fever and the only medical help we have on Moya is, well, let's just say it's of the distinctly quack variety."

"Of course. I'll send major Cottle over with Starbuck and Apollo."

"We should be getting back to him," Aeryn murmured to her husband.

"Yeah, don't trust Granny to baby-sit for more than an arn…hour."

"Then Corporal Jarvis will escort you back to your ship. Starbuck and Apollo will follow in a raptor. Captain, Lieutenant, please remain here for orders." Adama nodded towards John and Aeryn in dismissal. Aeryn all but saluted before she followed her husband out of the commander's quarters.

−

Adama wasted no time in questioning Kara and his son.

"Well, do you believe him?"

"It seems so improbable that it almost has to be true, and I don't know, I just get the feeling that these people are completely genuine," replied Lee.

"Either that or maybe he's from one of those communes on Virgon. You know the ones that believed that you could get closer to the Gods through "pharmacological" enhancement. He could be so spaced out that he actually believes the shit he's spouting." The commander had to smile at Kara's contribution.

"That doesn't explain the weird ship." Lee pointed out.

"No it doesn't. Apparently analysis shows that it's partly organic, which sounds suspiciously…"

"Cylon!"

"Exactly. I want you to keep your guard up at all times. The first sign of trouble you hightail it out of there."

"Yes, sir!" they chorused simultaneously, smartly saluting their leader as they turned to leave.

"Druggie communes on Virgon? Where do you get these ideas from Kara?" Lee joked, smiling sarcastically, as they made their way to the hanger deck.

"It's called an imagination, Lee. People who aren't anally retentive rule book junkies have them. You can talk! You're making judgements about people on the basis of your feelings all of a sudden? May be being a gay icon has gotten you in touch with your feminine side at last."

"Don't start Kara! Any feminine side that I may have isn't likely to stop me from hauling your ass off to hack for insubordination." It was Kara's turn to smirk at his sour face as they continued bickering until they reached their raptor.

−

**Author's note:** OK, so only a short update. I promise more soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Oh….my…..Gods!" Kara looked around in awe at Moya's landing and maintenance bays. She stepped down from the raptor, only narrowly avoiding tripping over a DRD which was coming to investigate the new ship. John laughed at the stunned look on her face as he came up to greet them.

"You can imagine how I felt when I first found myself here. Until I fell through that wormhole no one from Earth had ever been farther than our moon before."

John led them through Moya's corridors to granny's kitchen from which the distinctive sound of a screaming child could be heard. They found Noranti attempting for feed some sort of green goop to baby D; judging by the splodges splattered over the floor and walls he was resisting.

"Oh I'm so glad you're back. Your son doesn't seem to like my orlan soup and it's just what he needs for that nasty cough."

Aeryn rushed over and grabbed her son.

"Thanks for watching him Noranti, but if you ever try to feed him one of your recipes again I'll shoot you," she said matter of factly, giving no doubt that she meant it.

The people from Galactica were having trouble ignoring the fact that this strange woman had a glowing third eye, but as John and Aeryn seemed to accept it as normal they thought it best not to comment. Aeryn handed little D over to doc Cottle and stood hopping anxiously from one foot to the other and chewing her thumb as the doc examined him. John stood behind her and rubbed her shoulders in comfort, just as anxious about the doc's prognosis for their son.

"Looks like a simple chest infection; a course of antibiotics should clear it up, but I'll take a blood sample back to Galactica to check there's nothing else lurking." Cottle's no nonsense approach soothed Aeryn's fears and she calmed her son for him as he took out a needle and syringe to prepare a shot.

With that initial worry over, John became the jovial host.

"Now, how 'bout some dinner before we start on the earth stuff? She may not be much with baby food, but generally granny here is a pretty good cook and we've got plenty of fresh provisions on board. One thing I'll say for Rygel and his fellow Hynerians; they know how to pack one hell of a picnic basket!"

Lee and Kara had no idea what a Hynerian was, but the thought of fresh food was just too much for them to resist. In a short time Noranti had cooked something up and they all sat down to eat. The Galactica crew relished the taste of food that was actually worthy of the name, and they also took the chance to get to know their hosts better. John was regaling them with stories of the exploits of their supposed TV namesakes. Kara particularly enjoyed the one about Starbuck striking a match on a Cylon to light his cigar. Lee threw her a knowing warning glance in response to her smirk and the twinkle in her eye.

"Don't even think about it! Not unless you want to be sliced in half before you can enjoy the cigar."

As the conversation flowed back and forth, Kara realised that Lee's initial feelings were pretty perceptive for someone usually so notoriously dense about such things, and for once very accurate. These people were perfectly genuine; mad certainly, but perfectly genuine. It was also apparent that they knew nothing about Cylons beyond John's remembrances of the big chrome toasters.

The party eventually broke up. Noranti took doc Cottle to show him her store of 'medicines' and herbs. Aeryn went to put the baby down for his nap and the others made a start with the star charts. John got Pilot to pull up all the information stored in Moya's memory banks about earth. His appearance on the clam shell was another surprise for the humans, but by this stage they were taking strange beings in their stride and just shrugged at each other then got on with looking at the information Pilot had provided. Kara got bored of this pretty quickly and wandered off into one of the maintenance bays where she had spied some ships earlier. She managed not to laugh too loudly at John's module before her eyes were drawn towards Aeryn's prowler. Kara ran her hands over the sleek black lines of the fighter.

"Wow, I really need to get me one of these."

"You want a ride?" Aeryn asked as she walked in, recognising a fellow pilot. Kara nodded enthusiastically. She climbed into the prowler behind Aeryn who was pulling on a headset.

"Pilot, please inform Crichton and Apollo that we're taking out the prowler." She didn't wait for any acknowledgement, knowing that neither of the men would attempt to argue with them. They shot out of Moya's landing bay and flew in companionable silence for a short while, both enjoying the feel of the plane. Eventually Kara broke the silence with a question she had been pondering.

"How did you do it? How did you give up your military life for a man and a child?"

"I wasn't given much choice really, but it wasn't too hard once I let myself let go and love him. You should try it."

"I tried it once, with Apollo's brother actually. I've still got the scars." Aeryn dipped her head in question.

"He died," Kara stated matter of factly.

"Yes, I know how that feels. It's rather complicated but John had a sort of twin brother who I was in love with and he died. I didn't think anything could ever hurt like that. It took me a long time to realise that it was safe for me to fall in love again. You can't resist it forever, Kara. I've seen the way you look at him and how he looks at you. It reminds me of how I used to be with John. Once it gets you it pulls you in like an irresistible force. The pair of you are just wasting time when you could be happy. I've discovered that worrying about the past and the future can't make that void go away today."

"You might be right and may be some day soon one of us will pluck up the courage and be brave enough to cross the invisible barrier that we've put up between us, but even if we did I don't think I would ever have a child. My mother wasn't exactly a model parent and I can't see myself as being any better."

"Hey, my mother was a homicidal maniac who murdered my father and twice tried to kill me. I didn't let that stop me. I wouldn't have missed having D'Argo for the world."

Sudden flashes near by distracted them. Half a dozen Cylon raiders had jumped in close to the fleet.

"Uh oh, Cylons."

"I take it these ships need destroying?" asked Aeryn with a look of pleasurable anticipation. "Let me show you what my other baby can really do."

Hotdog was leading the CAP as they raced across the fleet to attack the raiders, but having got there they found that they weren't needed. A strange black ship was already shooting the Cylons out of the sky.

"Umm, Galactica, this is Hotdog. Ah, someone else is already engaging the raiders. Do you know who or what that thing is?"

"Negative Hotdog."

The vipers hadn't made it into the fight before the unknown ship had wiped out all of the enemy craft. Suddenly a delighted and unmistakeable scream was heard across the wireless as the last raider disappeared in a cloud of fire.

"Yaaaahoooo. That's the most fun I've ever had as a back seat driver."

"Starbuck? Is that you?"

"Yup, and that fine displaying of flying came to you courtesy of Officer Aeryn Sun and her prowler. You should watch and learn, Hotdog, you might actually pick up something useful for a change."

"Rookie," she explained to Aeryn once the comms were off and they had turned back towards Moya. "Thinks he's the bee's knees even though he's only been flying a viper for about five minutes."

"Well I hope I have some better skills since I've been flying since I was fourteen and I've flown one of these babies since I was sixteen…..Bee's knees? I'll have to ask John about that one; translator microbes couldn't really cope with it."

"Wow! How did you get to fly so young?"

"I didn't choose to join the military, Kara; I was born into it. My people have assigned procreation. When they need a few more troops…."

"Umm, that's….that's…"

"Inhuman? That's the word John always uses." Kara looked at Aeryn with renewed respect since she seemed very human to her.

"I start to see why you wanted this new life."

"Yes and I'd better get back to it before Noranti poisons major Cottle with one of her potions and John completely corrupts your Apollo.

−

Back on Moya, Lee and John were enjoying some bonding time of their own. They had gotten distracted from studying star charts and all things earthly when John had shown Lee his TV. By now they were well stuck into John's sports videos.

"I've seen 'em all a hundred times before, but its always fun to watch them with someone else who hasn't and I haven't come across that many guys at this end of the universe who appreciate the beauty of arm chair sport!"

John introduced Lee to football and then they had moved onto basketball. They were now discussing the finer points of offensive defence, washed down by several bottles from John's precious store of fellip nectar generously supplied by the Hynerians.

"It isn't beer, but its damn close."

"Ah man, this is good," sighed Lee after taking a long drink. "We haven't had proper alcohol in months. All we've got is the chief's moonshine which fraks….frells with your head after two shots." He savoured the taste of the cool liquid as it slid down his throat.

"Hey, let's get the party really going." John chucked Lee a tube of ice blue liquid and winked. "Raslak chaser!"

Sometime later Lee was trying (not very coherently) to explain the similarities he saw between basketball and pyramid when Pilot's voice informed them that Officer Sun was engaging some strange craft that were apparently Cylon raiders.

"Frak, I should get out there." Lee made to rise but John stopped him.

"Naah, stay where you are. Aeryn can handle them," John said with simple pride. "Poor buggers won't know what hit them."

As if confirming his statement it wasn't long before they heard the sounds of the women coming towards them from the landing bay. They both dived back towards the table and made an extravagant play of studying the star charts again.

"These charts are great and this stuff about Earth is just what we need," said Lee in an unnaturally loud voice. "If it's OK I'll take these back to Galactica. I'd like our resident science boffin, Dr Baltar, to examine them."

"Baltar?" John replied nonchalantly, just as Kara and Aeryn walked in. "But didn't he like betray you all to the Cylons and cause the destruction of the colonies?"

There was a sudden silence in the room as Lee and Kara both stared horror-struck at Crichton.

−


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

A pow wow of sorts was being held in Adama's quarters. Lee and Kara had gone there as soon as they returned from Moya to update the old man on what they had found out.

"Tell me again exactly what he said," asked Adama, pinching the bridge of his nose in worry and fatigue.

"In the TV show on earth, Baltar supposedly brokered a peace deal between the humans and the Cylons, but it was actually a trap and a fully armed Cylon force turned up and destroyed the defenceless human fleet and the colonies. Baltar got a powerful position in the Cylon empire out of it." Lee repeated what Crichton had told them about Baltar.

"That isn't something that Gaius Baltar could have done."

"No sir, but it is an inescapable fact that it was his computer defence programme that was breached by the Cylons, allowing them to destroy most of the fleet so easily, and there was all that business with the Shelley Godfrey woman."

"And he does seem to know a hell of a lot about the Cylons and their technology," Kara added.

"I have a bad feeling that we've been played here," Lee went on. "If you ask me, we're damned lucky that Crichton happened along to open our eyes to what's been in front of us all this time."

"But then you've never been a paid up member of the Gaius Baltar fan club have you son? I have to say that I'm a little surprised that you seem to be jumping to conclusions here; you're usually the one reminding everyone of a citizen's right to be thought innocent until proven guilty." Lee flushed at his father's words but noticeably didn't back down.

"I think that playing even the smallest part in mass genocide on such a scale might waive a few rights."

The small battle of wills between father and son was broken by the appearance of doc Cottle with a deep scowl etched across his face.

"Well?" asked Adama.

"Their story stands. I've run the blood samples I took from the child and the reference samples his parents gave me. John Crichton is definitely human but he's not from any of the twelve colonies; there are some obvious evolutionary differences as you would expect. Aeryn Sun definitely isn't human and the child is the expected mixture of both."

"I don't think we have any reason to doubt them, sir. They have nothing to gain by raising this question over Baltar," Kara pointed out.

"There's something else," went on major Cottle. "A while ago Baltar came to me and demanded a brain scan. He was acting even weirder than normal; took me three goes to get the frakkin' idiot to lie still in the scanner. He seemed to be worried about 'foreign objects' in his brain. He was less than happy when I found nothing."

"What's your diagnosis, major? Is he psychotic?"

"How should I know; I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do know that he's a frakkin' moron!"

Adama smiled slightly.

"Thank you for that ever eloquent medical opinion, major; I doubt you'd get much disagreement from anyone in this room." He sighed and was lost in quiet thought for a moment. He looked up to see three expectant faces staring at him, waiting for some pearl of wisdom to be delivered. "We need to think carefully about what to do here. The press have been going crazy wondering about this strange ship that suddenly appeared near the fleet. They're not going to stand for Roslin's playing dumb act much longer, but I want them kept out of it for the time being. I don't want to give Baltar a chance to get away or come up with some clever excuse that manipulates opinion within the fleet. If he is a Cylon collaborator we really need to find out how deep he's in and what information he's given them. Let's get him and Crichton in front of the president and the quorum asap. Tell them we want to discuss the information provided by our friends aboard Moya, nothing more specific than that, but I want the meeting held aboard Galactica so that we can control the security properly."

-

As they left his father's quarters Lee noticed that Kara was very quiet and he tried to start up a conversation to lift her out of whatever funk she had gotten herself in to.

"Boy, I always knew there was something weird about that guy."

"Yeah Lee, go on, rub it in, just go ahead and spell it out: it's very likely that I slept with the guy who helped the Cylons destroy most of the human race."

He felt his hackles rise at her tone, but for once he squashed down any smart retort: it was obvious that she really was very upset.

"I didn't mean to accuse you of anything, Kara or to make you feel worse than you obviously already do."

"Well it doesn't feel that way." She looked close to tears.

"Come here." He pulled her into a hug. "You weren't taken in by him much more than any of the rest of us were; we elected him vice president for frak's sake. I'm sure that alcohol was probably involved to impair your judgment that night." That raised a slight smile. "Hey, you should see some of the girls that I thought were attractive enough to be potentials fraks when I'd had enough ambrosia. I think one may even have been a guy in drag." She laughed weakly so he kissed the end of her nose and gave her a final comforting hug. Kara sighed; he really could be incredibly sweet sometimes.

−

Having been briefed on the plan by Lee and Kara, Crichton glanced around the room at the quorum of the twelve with interest. He and Aeryn had been introduced to them all, including the president and Baltar, but every time he looked around the room his gaze kept coming back to Tom Zarek. He couldn't escape the feeling that he'd seen him somewhere before. Suddenly everything clicked in his head.

"You're Apollo!"

Zarek turned and stared at Lee, who was standing behind him.

"Well of course he is."

"No you're Apollo," John replied, pointing directly at Zarek. "In the Battlestar Galactica I remember you were Adama's son, Apollo."

The members of the quorum looked at each other in surprise: was this a mad man that Adama was putting in front of them?

"Thank you for that interesting observation commander Crichton," cut in Adama, "but I can assure you that whatever he may be, Tom Zarek is definitely not my son," he noted dryly, to some nervous titters of laughter from the quorum members. "Now if we might get on. Captain?"

"Yes, sir." Lee strode to the podium and proceeded to give a precise and in depth account of the navigation information that they had gleaned from Crichton's information. The detail and Lee's monotone delivery were both designed to convince the quorum of Crichton's veracity and lull them into a semi-somnolent state: it was exceedingly effective. Crichton would have clapped in appreciation of Lee's performance had he not been fighting to keep his eyes open!

"So in conclusion, we now have precise charts of the position of Earth relative to the Lagoon nebula," Lee finished up.

"Are we any closer to reaching the nebula itself?" asked the representative from Aerilon, fighting a yawn.

"No, but once we reach it we know where to go next, which was something that wasn't clear to us before Commander Crichton provided this information."

"And has Commander Crichton been able to provide any other useful information about Earth?" asked the representative from Geminon, beginning to wonder why they had all been dragged on to the Galactica for this dreary astronomy lesson.

"Yes! Yes he has," replied Lee. "Apparently our quest is already known about on Earth."

There was a gasp of surprise around the room. This was something that made the quorum members begin to sit up and take notice. Crichton charged into the fray. In a falsely deep, dramatic voice he said,

"Fleeing from Cylon tyranny, the last battlestar, Galactica, leads a rag tag, fugitive fleet on a lonely quest for a shining planet known as Earth! There's adventure, love, heartache, handsome heroes and really bad baddies; it's a real crowd pleaser."

"I take it that we're supposed to be the good guys in this scenario?" commented Zarek sarcastically.

"Oh yeah, you're all super heroes. Except there was a villain of the piece amongst you, like there usually is; the rotten apple in the barrel, a bad egg."

Six had appeared beside Baltar. She was dressed in a tight fitting black outfit as if she were going to a funeral.

"Don't trust him, Gaius," she whispered in his ear.

"And who exactly is that?" asked the president.

"Say something, Gaius! Stop this." Six sounded angry.

"Madame President, I really don't think we should listen to any more of this nonsense. As vice president and chief scientific advisor I think I should examine any evidence that these people have to offer before it is presented to the quorum. It's obviously highly unreliable."

Crichton went over to where Baltar was sitting and leaned across the table, getting right into his space.

"Well you would, wouldn't you, because in the version of Battlestar Galactica that I know about the bad guy's name was Baltar. Interesting coincidence huh?"

Shouts of amazement from the quorum members reverberated around the room. Baltar stood up so fast that his chair crashed to the floor.

"Oh this is preposterous! It's just gibberish! This is a complete fabrication made up by the commander and this…this…person from who knows where to discredit me."

"I would like to point out that all of Crichton's other remembrances have turned out to be strikingly accurate. The remainder of the twelve colonies' quest to find Earth, the lost thirteenth colony. Pilots called Starbuck and Apollo. A battlestar with a commander called Adama and his right hand Colonel Tigh. And there is no question that he is from Earth. Major Cottle has confirmed it through medical evidence." Adama's voice was calm, but his hard gaze bore into Baltar.

There was uproar in the room: everyone was voicing their opinion at once, some supporting their vice president and some people demanding Baltar explain how this coincidence was possible.

"This could be the end, Gaius, game over, adieu rather than au revoir; you need to stand up to this man, show these people who to believe in. God would expect nothing less of you." Six' relentless voice echoed in Baltar's ear above the cacophony.

"Will you shut the frak up?" He stared at her then shifted his gaze back to the quorum, realizing that he should be addressing them. "I mean will you all please be quiet; let's have a little decorum; this is supposed to be a government after all!" He drew himself up to his full height and addressed Crichton. "I won't be slandered in this way. What makes you think that you can just waltz in here and make accusations like this without any substantiating evidence?"

"Hey, I'm not accusing anyone. I'm just pointing out that the Cylon collaborator in the show I know was called Baltar. It's you that's getting all bent outta shape about it."

"Well I demand the right to discuss this matter privately before this goes any further. I won't be tried in front of my peers on a whim and without a chance to hear the evidence against me first." Baltar could feel every eye in the room watching him. He looked frantically for Six again but she had disappeared. Crichton watched him carefully, putting two and two together.

"They're here aren't they? The Cylons are talking to you," he said quietly.

There was complete silence in the room. Baltar stared at him in wide-eyed terror.

"She told me not to trust you," he whispered.

"Who? Who told you?" Every one held their breath as John held Baltar's gaze. They stared at each other for what seemed like minutes and then suddenly Baltar's shoulders slumped in a gesture of defeat.

"There's a Cylon in my head. She was here, but now she's gone."

"They're all the same these imaginary friends. Just using you for what they can get. Helpful one minute, killing you the next."

"I think that the Cylons have planted some device in me. It's manipulated my brain. You don't know what it's like. Your mind isn't your own." Baltar muttered in despair.

"Believe me I do: been there, done that and got the frelling tee shirt. An evil genius planted a chip in my brain and he tormented me for years. What's yours like?"

"I met her on Caprica. She was one of the most beautiful women I'd ever seen; a blonde goddess. I thought she wanted the information about my defence programme for her research work. We were involved so I suppose I let her have what she wanted. She told me that she was a Cylon on the day they attacked. She helped me to escape Caprica, but then she just started appearing everywhere. She isn't there all the time. She just appears when it suits her. She tells me that God has a plan and that I'm part of that plan. She gives me sexual pleasure if she's pleased with me."

There was a collective gasp and a hiss of whispers around the room.

"Oh man, how'd he get so lucky?" Crichton said in an aside to his wife. "I get the ugliest son of a bitch in the whole damn universe in my head and he gets a fantastic horny blonde hotty!" Aeryn shot him a frown. "Not that I would have enjoyed that. No, no. Not…at…all! Now if she'd been a dark haired ex-peacekeeper that would have been more like it." His wife raised her eyebrows and gave him a slight smile.

"I'm not a bad man; I didn't do anything on purpose. It's just…..she flattered me and I couldn't resist her. I'm sorry….truly, truly sorry." Baltar was now looking about the room, playing his last card by trying to elicit sympathy. Crichton could read him like a book and went in for the kill.

"Oh yeah, I can see that you're really weighed down with the guilt of it all; you've obviously been in a deep well of contrition and remorse since you found out that you played a fundamental role in the downfall of your own race. What's it been? Six months? A year? Hey, but what's a guy to do? Confess his sins and accept the punishment of his people or get elected vice president and have illicit sex with an imaginary female machine! Geez, I've done some pretty despicable things in my time to stay alive, but you just sicken me man."

Gaius fell to his knees and started sobbing. The stunned silence in the room was broken by the president.

"Well, commander Crichton, that was certainly an enlightening discussion. Any more revelations that you'd like to share with us?" John grinned at her.

"No ma'am!"

Adama motioned for a team of marines to take Baltar away to the brig.

"We need to decide what to do with him Madame president." Several suggestions were made by the quorum members, ranging from throwing him out an airlock to putting him on to the Astral Queen and letting the prisoners "take care of him", but no one seemed willing to reach any final conclusions so Crichton spoke up.

"We'll take him."

"What?" chorused Adama, the president and his wife in unison.

"Its OK honey, bare with me here. You guys don't want to have to deal with him and you don't want the Cylons to know what's happened to him. We've got plenty of experience in dealing with basket cases with other people inside their heads," he grinned at his wife. "At least Aeryn has. We'll take the problem off your hands. Moya used to be a prison transport so we've got plenty of secure accommodation and I know just the place to take him."

"I take it that you've got a plan in mind for him?" asked his wife.

"Oh yeah! Major payback time!"

She shook her head in wonder at him, but didn't object any further.

"Well if you're willing to take him off our hands then we're more than grateful." The president held out her hand to Crichton and shook on the deal.

"We'd better get a move on and get back to Moya. I've got a feeling there's a wormhole coming soon and we need to go back through it."

−

They said their final farewells in Galactica's the hanger bay.

"It's been an honour, John," Lee said, shaking Crichton's hand.

"Likewise."

"If you're ever in the area…."

"Yeah, I'll drop in and make sure that I have a good supply of beer. We never did get to finish that Nicks game and I have to show you Star Wars; you'll love it!"

Aeryn hugged Kara. "Remember what we talked about. Do it!" she whispered in her ear.

"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya." Kara rolled her eyes. Lee gave her a funny look and she just smiled sweetly back at him.

They stepped onto the transport pod, leading a handcuffed Baltar between them. As the pod pulled out of the bay, Lee turned to Kara shaking his head.

"Did I dream all of that or did it all really happen?" he asked her. She pinched him hard on the arm. "Owww! What was that for?"

"Just checkin' for ya. Nope, definitely not a dream!"

−

In Moya's command, John waited patiently for the wormhole; he predicted that they had about another five minutes before it would appear. Baltar was gazing out of the view window at the fleet, trying to comprehend how he had ended up here and process the fact that he was being taken away from everything that he knew. John wrapped a friendly arm around his shoulders.

"Now Gaius. Do you mind if I call you Gaius? We've got a lovely cell….I mean room for you here on Moya and we're gonna take you to see a great guy who knows all about neuro-chips and invisible alter-egos frelling with your mind. He'll sort you out just fine. I'm sure you'll like him; I mean you've got so much in common; he'd sell out his entire civilisation for his own ends as well. His name's Scorpius, but I kinda like to call him Scorpy. Harvey or grasshopper works too. He's got this lovely, comfy chair; you'll have a blast……..!"

**THE END**

−

**Author's note**: there it is! I've been struggling with this chapter for the last week, trying to get the balance between drama and humour. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for all the feedback.

P.S. For those of you wondering, Chiana is on Hyneria with Rygel!


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